It is a dark, grey, and dreary day here in :New York, and that is exactly how I feel. Almost everyone know what this kind of lazy Sunday feels like, but for a person such as myself who has MDD it is frustrating, depressing, and scary. If I could just say to myself: “Hey, it’s a cloudy Sunday. What’s the big deal? Just chill. Watch some TV or read. Don’t you think this is normal. They don’t call it the Sunday blues for nothing you know.” But my mind won’t have it. It says: “Get off your ass and do something? You can’t afford to slack off because a) You have stuff to do that you didn’t do during the week, and b) you may fall into a deeper depression if you can’t break out of this. And everyone will judge you. They’ll think you’re lazy and weak.” I often wonder if God is counting my days? I wonder if when I die He’s going to say, “Hay Steve, Do you have any idea how many days you wasted of your life laying around in bed?” I can here my father and others saying the sme types of things. But they truly do not understand depression.
– falling asleep. Finish later.
I have been having really bad sleep issues lately. I generally get into bed at 11 pm and then don’t fall asleep until after daylight. Then my day is half gone and I still have to face this day.
Here’s what I did today thus far:
- Woke up late (around 10 a.m.) because I’ve been having problems getting to sleep.
- Had an espresso because I had a headache and that is the only thing that helps.
- Did 40 minutes of Kriya Yoga, which was a bit short because I was unable to quiet my mind.
- Did 30 minutes of Light Therapy as I ate my breakfast and did some writing.
- Because I still felt depressed and lethargic I did one hour of Mantra Chanting which I almost always enjoy, but not today.
- Will frustrated that I could not get myself to go out and hang holiday lights as I had planned, I did 20 minutes of Cranial Electro-Therapy.
- I watched some crappy TV
And that’s my day thus far.
As you can see, I tried to follow some of my morning routine and use some of the tools at my disposal, but I know that I did not do one thing that really could have helped, and that is getting outside and doing something physical.
Now for most people a grey Sunday might seem like an okay enough reason to not go out and exercise, but for someone with Depression this can be one of the most difficult things to do, even though I knew that it had a good chance of helping me, and While I am no longer in the throws of a full blown depression there are some days where it seems that way. From the moment I got out of bed through this moment at 3:20 pm I still feel lethargic, down, and frustrated with myself. It is indeed a grey dreary fall day here in the northeast which certainly plays a role, but my physiology just can’t seem to surmount it. My body is hot and sluggish. My mind is dull and defiant. My mood is downcast. And my energy just doesn’t seem to be anywhere. Am I going to turn this day around or is it just going to be “one of those days”?